Hi, Ben,
How are you doing today?
I am not good indeed and feel again depressed. I begin to wonder whether I should come to pursue this PhD degree.
I don't know when it begins and I keep thinking about killing myself. Maybe, 20 or 30 times a day. Maybe, it is the same to other doctoral students and they want to do sth but indeed, they can not change this situation.
I plan to cry for some time and it may sound ridiculous for an adult. Too much pressure and too much to do.
I remembered one case in Virginia Tech and a Korean student shot others and himself many years ago. I do not know what he was thinking. You know when you face something you could not change, that huge and scary, you will go through a rather miserable life. One you can hardly stand anymore.
I do not know why since every choice is so perfect and I am just on the right track. But, suddenly, you feel something is going wrong and what is worse, you do not know what it is.
You had plans and schedules and you thought it was perfect. And, all of a sudden, everything is different and the plans are ruined even you do not have a chance to carry it out. You start to miss the past and you wish you could escape, but in fact, YOU CANNOT!
The world is so big and you get afraid. You don't know what to do and you miss your family.
This is so true for a foreigner in a unfamiliar land.
So desperate.
Ben, please give me a hug and I am weak now.
Best
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