Hi, Ben,
How are you doing today?
I am not good indeed and feel again depressed. I begin to wonder whether I should come to pursue this PhD degree.
I don't know when it begins and I keep thinking about killing myself. Maybe, 20 or 30 times a day. Maybe, it is the same to other doctoral students and they want to do sth but indeed, they can not change this situation.
I plan to cry for some time and it may sound ridiculous for an adult. Too much pressure and too much to do.
I remembered one case in Virginia Tech and a Korean student shot others and himself many years ago. I do not know what he was thinking. You know when you face something you could not change, that huge and scary, you will go through a rather miserable life. One you can hardly stand anymore.
I do not know why since every choice is so perfect and I am just on the right track. But, suddenly, you feel something is going wrong and what is worse, you do not know what it is.
You had plans and schedules and you thought it was perfect. And, all of a sudden, everything is different and the plans are ruined even you do not have a chance to carry it out. You start to miss the past and you wish you could escape, but in fact, YOU CANNOT!
The world is so big and you get afraid. You don't know what to do and you miss your family.
This is so true for a foreigner in a unfamiliar land.
So desperate.
Ben, please give me a hug and I am weak now.
Best
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
2011-11-04 Get a chance to start
Hey, Ben,
How are you doing?
I am so sorry that I did not come to see yesterday. Sorry, I forget that.
Anyway, today, I registered a class named Management and Finance Account I. Yes, I am a MatSE Student, but I choose that.
For a long time, I told myself, "I am not just an engineer, although I could be a good engineer". My advisor is nice, but what he saw is only confined in the academia and industrial. But, I experienced different and I know I am not going to be a professor or just an engineer.
For a short term, it would be a very busy time next semester; however, for a long term, it is a good start. I have addressed the importance of the beginning for a thousand time. Why? Because it is so easy to think about it and then forget what you should do, but if once you do it and keep doing it at first few days or months and then it would become a routine or a habit. In that case, you can do it as long as you think it is worthy.
I am sorry, but it is true as I am writing to you, Ben. You are my shadow best friends.
I have never questioned that I could be a successful man and I will establish my own kingdom, but it needs much time and efforts.
May Buddha bless me!
May Jesus Bless me!
Best
How are you doing?
I am so sorry that I did not come to see yesterday. Sorry, I forget that.
Anyway, today, I registered a class named Management and Finance Account I. Yes, I am a MatSE Student, but I choose that.
For a long time, I told myself, "I am not just an engineer, although I could be a good engineer". My advisor is nice, but what he saw is only confined in the academia and industrial. But, I experienced different and I know I am not going to be a professor or just an engineer.
For a short term, it would be a very busy time next semester; however, for a long term, it is a good start. I have addressed the importance of the beginning for a thousand time. Why? Because it is so easy to think about it and then forget what you should do, but if once you do it and keep doing it at first few days or months and then it would become a routine or a habit. In that case, you can do it as long as you think it is worthy.
I am sorry, but it is true as I am writing to you, Ben. You are my shadow best friends.
I have never questioned that I could be a successful man and I will establish my own kingdom, but it needs much time and efforts.
May Buddha bless me!
May Jesus Bless me!
Best
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
2011-11-02 She is coming
Hi, Ben,
Sorry, too late tonight.
I just have too much to do and actually not that much time to accompany you. I apologize.
Well, just one thing to tell you and then gonna go sleep.
She, come on you know who she is, is coming to see me!!!!!
Nov 19 to Nov 26.
Well, give you an early apology that I might not be able to speak to you since you are mine and I do want to share you with anybody.
Good luck!
Sorry, too late tonight.
I just have too much to do and actually not that much time to accompany you. I apologize.
Well, just one thing to tell you and then gonna go sleep.
She, come on you know who she is, is coming to see me!!!!!
Nov 19 to Nov 26.
Well, give you an early apology that I might not be able to speak to you since you are mine and I do want to share you with anybody.
Good luck!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
2011-11-01 I had a talk with my advisor
Hi, Ben,
How are you doing today?
I think you must be very lonely, for nobody will come to see you. Well, I feel honored to be the only person to talk to you. Again.
Well, PhD life is filled with difficulties, indeed. For a thousand times, I thought to quite this stressful life, but as you can guess, actually I did not do it.
For a long time, I know myself well and know exactly why I am here and what I want. But things are not always going as what you have scheduled, but sometimes life will go randomly. I mean some unexpected will happen to you, which you would never thought before.
Anyway, that is what I wanna tell you today.
You know I mentioned to you yesterday that the class schedule is stupid in my department. In the fall semester, I have to take at least four courses. Well, this should be the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Finally, I thought myself could not stand all this unclear pressure.
Fortunately, I had a talk with my advisor. He is so nice, so nice, so nice!!!!!!! I feel glad that my choice is correct. I choose him and become his student and he is so nice to me. I believe he understands quite well about my situations and my feelings which I can not understand well myself. That's the thing, for years I have tried my best to know about myself, what my advantages and disadvantages, what I want and expect, and what is the truth lying in the life. I chose to be a PhD and I am a would-be PhD.
Anyway, I will get a new start tomorrow. And keep fighting!
So, that's all, Ben.
Good night~
How are you doing today?
I think you must be very lonely, for nobody will come to see you. Well, I feel honored to be the only person to talk to you. Again.
Well, PhD life is filled with difficulties, indeed. For a thousand times, I thought to quite this stressful life, but as you can guess, actually I did not do it.
For a long time, I know myself well and know exactly why I am here and what I want. But things are not always going as what you have scheduled, but sometimes life will go randomly. I mean some unexpected will happen to you, which you would never thought before.
Anyway, that is what I wanna tell you today.
You know I mentioned to you yesterday that the class schedule is stupid in my department. In the fall semester, I have to take at least four courses. Well, this should be the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Finally, I thought myself could not stand all this unclear pressure.
Fortunately, I had a talk with my advisor. He is so nice, so nice, so nice!!!!!!! I feel glad that my choice is correct. I choose him and become his student and he is so nice to me. I believe he understands quite well about my situations and my feelings which I can not understand well myself. That's the thing, for years I have tried my best to know about myself, what my advantages and disadvantages, what I want and expect, and what is the truth lying in the life. I chose to be a PhD and I am a would-be PhD.
Anyway, I will get a new start tomorrow. And keep fighting!
So, that's all, Ben.
Good night~
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