Hi, Ben,
How are you doing today?
I am not good indeed and feel again depressed. I begin to wonder whether I should come to pursue this PhD degree.
I don't know when it begins and I keep thinking about killing myself. Maybe, 20 or 30 times a day. Maybe, it is the same to other doctoral students and they want to do sth but indeed, they can not change this situation.
I plan to cry for some time and it may sound ridiculous for an adult. Too much pressure and too much to do.
I remembered one case in Virginia Tech and a Korean student shot others and himself many years ago. I do not know what he was thinking. You know when you face something you could not change, that huge and scary, you will go through a rather miserable life. One you can hardly stand anymore.
I do not know why since every choice is so perfect and I am just on the right track. But, suddenly, you feel something is going wrong and what is worse, you do not know what it is.
You had plans and schedules and you thought it was perfect. And, all of a sudden, everything is different and the plans are ruined even you do not have a chance to carry it out. You start to miss the past and you wish you could escape, but in fact, YOU CANNOT!
The world is so big and you get afraid. You don't know what to do and you miss your family.
This is so true for a foreigner in a unfamiliar land.
So desperate.
Ben, please give me a hug and I am weak now.
Best
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
2011-11-04 Get a chance to start
Hey, Ben,
How are you doing?
I am so sorry that I did not come to see yesterday. Sorry, I forget that.
Anyway, today, I registered a class named Management and Finance Account I. Yes, I am a MatSE Student, but I choose that.
For a long time, I told myself, "I am not just an engineer, although I could be a good engineer". My advisor is nice, but what he saw is only confined in the academia and industrial. But, I experienced different and I know I am not going to be a professor or just an engineer.
For a short term, it would be a very busy time next semester; however, for a long term, it is a good start. I have addressed the importance of the beginning for a thousand time. Why? Because it is so easy to think about it and then forget what you should do, but if once you do it and keep doing it at first few days or months and then it would become a routine or a habit. In that case, you can do it as long as you think it is worthy.
I am sorry, but it is true as I am writing to you, Ben. You are my shadow best friends.
I have never questioned that I could be a successful man and I will establish my own kingdom, but it needs much time and efforts.
May Buddha bless me!
May Jesus Bless me!
Best
How are you doing?
I am so sorry that I did not come to see yesterday. Sorry, I forget that.
Anyway, today, I registered a class named Management and Finance Account I. Yes, I am a MatSE Student, but I choose that.
For a long time, I told myself, "I am not just an engineer, although I could be a good engineer". My advisor is nice, but what he saw is only confined in the academia and industrial. But, I experienced different and I know I am not going to be a professor or just an engineer.
For a short term, it would be a very busy time next semester; however, for a long term, it is a good start. I have addressed the importance of the beginning for a thousand time. Why? Because it is so easy to think about it and then forget what you should do, but if once you do it and keep doing it at first few days or months and then it would become a routine or a habit. In that case, you can do it as long as you think it is worthy.
I am sorry, but it is true as I am writing to you, Ben. You are my shadow best friends.
I have never questioned that I could be a successful man and I will establish my own kingdom, but it needs much time and efforts.
May Buddha bless me!
May Jesus Bless me!
Best
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
2011-11-02 She is coming
Hi, Ben,
Sorry, too late tonight.
I just have too much to do and actually not that much time to accompany you. I apologize.
Well, just one thing to tell you and then gonna go sleep.
She, come on you know who she is, is coming to see me!!!!!
Nov 19 to Nov 26.
Well, give you an early apology that I might not be able to speak to you since you are mine and I do want to share you with anybody.
Good luck!
Sorry, too late tonight.
I just have too much to do and actually not that much time to accompany you. I apologize.
Well, just one thing to tell you and then gonna go sleep.
She, come on you know who she is, is coming to see me!!!!!
Nov 19 to Nov 26.
Well, give you an early apology that I might not be able to speak to you since you are mine and I do want to share you with anybody.
Good luck!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
2011-11-01 I had a talk with my advisor
Hi, Ben,
How are you doing today?
I think you must be very lonely, for nobody will come to see you. Well, I feel honored to be the only person to talk to you. Again.
Well, PhD life is filled with difficulties, indeed. For a thousand times, I thought to quite this stressful life, but as you can guess, actually I did not do it.
For a long time, I know myself well and know exactly why I am here and what I want. But things are not always going as what you have scheduled, but sometimes life will go randomly. I mean some unexpected will happen to you, which you would never thought before.
Anyway, that is what I wanna tell you today.
You know I mentioned to you yesterday that the class schedule is stupid in my department. In the fall semester, I have to take at least four courses. Well, this should be the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Finally, I thought myself could not stand all this unclear pressure.
Fortunately, I had a talk with my advisor. He is so nice, so nice, so nice!!!!!!! I feel glad that my choice is correct. I choose him and become his student and he is so nice to me. I believe he understands quite well about my situations and my feelings which I can not understand well myself. That's the thing, for years I have tried my best to know about myself, what my advantages and disadvantages, what I want and expect, and what is the truth lying in the life. I chose to be a PhD and I am a would-be PhD.
Anyway, I will get a new start tomorrow. And keep fighting!
So, that's all, Ben.
Good night~
How are you doing today?
I think you must be very lonely, for nobody will come to see you. Well, I feel honored to be the only person to talk to you. Again.
Well, PhD life is filled with difficulties, indeed. For a thousand times, I thought to quite this stressful life, but as you can guess, actually I did not do it.
For a long time, I know myself well and know exactly why I am here and what I want. But things are not always going as what you have scheduled, but sometimes life will go randomly. I mean some unexpected will happen to you, which you would never thought before.
Anyway, that is what I wanna tell you today.
You know I mentioned to you yesterday that the class schedule is stupid in my department. In the fall semester, I have to take at least four courses. Well, this should be the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Finally, I thought myself could not stand all this unclear pressure.
Fortunately, I had a talk with my advisor. He is so nice, so nice, so nice!!!!!!! I feel glad that my choice is correct. I choose him and become his student and he is so nice to me. I believe he understands quite well about my situations and my feelings which I can not understand well myself. That's the thing, for years I have tried my best to know about myself, what my advantages and disadvantages, what I want and expect, and what is the truth lying in the life. I chose to be a PhD and I am a would-be PhD.
Anyway, I will get a new start tomorrow. And keep fighting!
So, that's all, Ben.
Good night~
Monday, October 31, 2011
2011-10-31 Ben is Born
So, today, I have made two decisions, very important decisions. I will add a date in the title of every post. And I name this blog with a nick name ---- Ben.
For the date, I just want to add it and to make it look more organized. For Ben, well, I just want make a friend who I can tell EVERYTHING. Ben is from the name of Ross' son. Ross is the guy in Friends, that TV series.
Don't ask me why I choose Ben. Ben is just a name and a symbol. Besides, it is nothing.
Again, I feel blue today. Maybe, it is just because the cold weather here. Maybe, I feel so depressed about my PhD life. So much work to do everyday. And my cute GF is not beside me. It is not a good start.
well, it is just because I find I have to take three courses in the fall semester of my second year. Gosh! I don't like to take courses anymore. Why a PhD student needs to take so many courses. But I have to. Maybe I should take more one course this semester. But, unfortunately, I did not. Damned course schedule!!!
And my experiments fail. Well, I know it is much more failures than success in PhD life, but I just don't feel good. Sigh......
But thanks to Buddha and Jesus, I meet two cute girls in the gym and teach them how to use the facilities there. I feel something special to one of them, but I already have a gf, but she is not here.
Sigh.....
For the date, I just want to add it and to make it look more organized. For Ben, well, I just want make a friend who I can tell EVERYTHING. Ben is from the name of Ross' son. Ross is the guy in Friends, that TV series.
Don't ask me why I choose Ben. Ben is just a name and a symbol. Besides, it is nothing.
Again, I feel blue today. Maybe, it is just because the cold weather here. Maybe, I feel so depressed about my PhD life. So much work to do everyday. And my cute GF is not beside me. It is not a good start.
well, it is just because I find I have to take three courses in the fall semester of my second year. Gosh! I don't like to take courses anymore. Why a PhD student needs to take so many courses. But I have to. Maybe I should take more one course this semester. But, unfortunately, I did not. Damned course schedule!!!
And my experiments fail. Well, I know it is much more failures than success in PhD life, but I just don't feel good. Sigh......
But thanks to Buddha and Jesus, I meet two cute girls in the gym and teach them how to use the facilities there. I feel something special to one of them, but I already have a gf, but she is not here.
Sigh.....
Sunday, October 30, 2011
First Post
I am not sure whether this is proper. I mean to start this blog.
I like to write and used to write blog in Chinese in the Blogbus. However, I abandoned that site long ago. I do not know why.
I am always saying to myself that when one is in a blue mood one day, then try to do something that is meaningful that day. Days after, when you remembered that day, you could tell yourself "Well, that is actually not a happy day for me, but I do something important in my life." So, today is the day. So, I get my blog in Google set up.
Well, I must tell the truth. It starts on the right day I stepped on the land of US. The number of days when I feel sudden sadness grows. I am not sure about the exact reasons, but I feel depressed for most of the day. Fortunately, I have some ways to solve my problems. I work out, eat dinner with friends, and get good marks in exams, but that is not just enough. I feel very sad, now and maybe tomorrow as well.
Maybe, I have said too much and need to stop here. I plan to update this blog everyday. Maybe, sometimes, just one sentence, maybe other times, a whole long complaint. Who knows. I wish, years later, when I get my PhD degree, I find the happiness lying here is more than the sorrow.
I am just a childish and vulnerable kid. Here is the place I speak to myself.
Silent Hall, is the name of my former blog and now it is the name.
I like to write and used to write blog in Chinese in the Blogbus. However, I abandoned that site long ago. I do not know why.
I am always saying to myself that when one is in a blue mood one day, then try to do something that is meaningful that day. Days after, when you remembered that day, you could tell yourself "Well, that is actually not a happy day for me, but I do something important in my life." So, today is the day. So, I get my blog in Google set up.
Well, I must tell the truth. It starts on the right day I stepped on the land of US. The number of days when I feel sudden sadness grows. I am not sure about the exact reasons, but I feel depressed for most of the day. Fortunately, I have some ways to solve my problems. I work out, eat dinner with friends, and get good marks in exams, but that is not just enough. I feel very sad, now and maybe tomorrow as well.
Maybe, I have said too much and need to stop here. I plan to update this blog everyday. Maybe, sometimes, just one sentence, maybe other times, a whole long complaint. Who knows. I wish, years later, when I get my PhD degree, I find the happiness lying here is more than the sorrow.
I am just a childish and vulnerable kid. Here is the place I speak to myself.
Silent Hall, is the name of my former blog and now it is the name.
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